


Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

by emoedgelord



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Christmas AU, F/M, I have regrets, OCs - Freeform, cuz he totally is, cuz this is crack, did i mention that kuroo is a furry, i wrote most of this while i was drunk at 2am, my fav boys are straight, please ignore this, they gay af tho lets be honest with ourselves here, this aint even a real fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 03:37:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8952352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emoedgelord/pseuds/emoedgelord
Summary: ...or the time i roasted my friends online. nothing to see here folks, keep moving along.





	

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic is dedicated to christine, because without her i'd have no one to roast. 
> 
> a side story to furry-senpai's masterpiece, @catlover0. 
> 
> a companion fic to yaoi-senpai's outstanding piece, @darkangel1236. 
> 
> read these fics before starting mine, or else it won't make sense. 
> 
> read at your own risk ;3

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and what better way to spend the weekend than listening to the latest country pop music and cuddling with her favorite boy. It was rare of them to be lazing about, doing absolutely nothing, as Kuroo was usually busy with volleyball practice and Christine was almost always drowning in homework. It was hard enough that they barely saw each other in school and had to consciously make an effort to spend time together. It was a blessing and albeit a little strange, that they were able to spend the entire weekend together. 

"You know, I’ve been thinking…" Kuroo mused, as he stretched himself out on the couch like an overgrown cat, limbs flying everywhere, “that we are definitely made for each other.”

Christine raised a brow at this, moving further towards the left end of the couch to accommodate his noodle limbs, but refusing to glance up from her phone, "What makes you say that?"

"Well for starters, I think that I’m greatest thing that's ever happened to you, because well…look at me," he smirked, satisfied with himself, then pressed on, "…and I'm your longest boyfriend to date." 

Christine hummed in response, "Keep telling yourself that babe," she murmured, continuing to scroll down the contents of her phone, taking no notice of Kuroo’s sudden frown.

Annoyed, Kuroo pokes her cheek, "Now listen here I have this theory– can you put your shoujo down and look at me–" Christine held up her index finger silencing Kuroo, causing him to roll his eyes. 

Kuroo slapped away the offending finger, "–as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted…" At this Christine spared him a glance, "I think we're practically soul mates." He finished, looking at her expectantly; watching, hopeful, for even a slight change in her expression. 

At this confession Christine finally looked up at him and snickered, finally abandoning her recent shoujo manga and setting down her phone on her lap. "Where is this even coming from?" She said, amusement in her eyes. "Have you finally read that soul mates au I sent you last week?" She tipped her head towards him and beckoning him to continue, curiosity getting the best of her. 

Kuroo hesitated. 

"I…well…yeah I did actually and I thought that Gruvia ship was trash," he confessed after a moment with an amused smile, "but that's not what I'm getting at here. I'm talking about my fur suit..." 

At this Christine immediately stood up, hands balled in tight fists, red faced and visibly shaking. "You take that back you filthy whore! Fight me right now, you won't! I can't belie–" 

Kuroo howled in laughter, lifting his head slightly from his place on couch to look at her, "you're completely missing the point babe–"

But Christine wasn't listening to him anymore, completely entrapped in her own little sinner’s world, "–my own boyfriend doesn’t appreciate the master piece that is Gruvia! It is the holiest of holy otps. I'm putting this on the cons list–" at this he couldn’t help but rolled his eyes, "–like this is a deal breaker...I'm breaking up with you!"

"Sure babe whatever you say," Kuroo drawled not taking her words to heart. 

"Tetsu-kun, please take it back! I accepted you when I found out about your furry little proble–"

"Hey! It's a form of expression. An art! And you said you liked it when I put on the tail, you said it made me look sexy." 

Christine's groaned and put her hands to her face. What did she do to deserve this?

 

\----

 

"So how's lover boy doing Christine? Still running around being a furry?" Lorraine asked under a nest of blankets. Serina walked in made a choking sound at the mention of Christine’s furry boyfriend and turned away from embarrassed at the sudden question. The squad was currently lazing around Serina's house, watching Beyond the Boundary, for the nth time at Christine’s insistence. 

"Please stop calling him that, I die every time," came Christine's responses from her place on the loveseat, fingers flying across her phone, obviously texting someone. 

She’s probably talking to Kuroo, Serina thought, as she walked to her place beside Christine, sipping from the juice box she had taken out of the fridge. 

"I still can't believe you found his fur suit though, like this relationship is meant to be. I don’t remember him being like that when we dated. It lowkey pisses me off that he judged my kpop obsession when he willingly prances around in a fur suit like it was going out of style," Lorraine laughed at the mere thought of it. "Man glad that's over, that boy is hot as fuck and has abs for days but clearly has no taste."

"He is really hot," agreed Christine, the phone screen illuminating her face. 

"Oi, pay attention to us too. Who you texting anyway? Furry-kun?" sneered Lorraine. 

Serina leaned back to make herself more comfortable and caught a glimpse of Christine's conversation and cringed. 

"Did I just see you type out 'How about this cat? Meow!' I want to bleach my eyes, how dare you type that out while I'm sitting next to you," Serina groaned, putting some distance between her and Christine.

Christine’s eyes widened, tilting the phone away from Serina, a horrified look crossing her features. “You weren’t meant to see that.”

"Y’all nasty. Stop sexting when we're in the same room dude, like what the hell? That's kinky as fuck. Furry-kun’s been corrupting your mind...” then after a moment, pressed on, “…hey lemme read that conversation," Lorraine leaned forward, trying to catch a glimpse of Christine’s phone. 

Christine snatched her phone closer to her chest. Her brows furrowed. "Yeah, please don’t. You're so nosy, dude."

Lorraine shrugged, undeterred. "It is what it is, besides there's nothing going one in my love life so let me live vicariously through yours, even if it's with a costume wearing weirdo." 

Christine rolled her eyes at the comment, already used to the frequent jabs towards her boyfriend. 

"Anyway, speaking of furries, has he taken you to a furry convention yet Christine?" joked Serina, trying to change the subject. 

Silence. 

Christine awkwardly laughs.

"No way!" cackled Lorraine "I can't believe this! Oh my gawd, I can’t believe that! I should change his name from Furry-kun to Furry-senpai." 

"Holy crap no no no! I'm calling the police, you need to be arrested and locked up for that sin. Christine no! You need Jesus." screeched Serina, hands coming up to cover her reddening face. “On second thought, I don’t think even Jesus can save you from that.”

"…I have nothing to say to you guys,” muttered Christine, unable to look her friends in the eye. 

"Christineeeeeeee you totally went, just tell us. Did you wear cat ears? Was there a tail? I can now die happy knowing this happened to you," at this point Lorraine had rolled herself into blanket burrito, wiggling around like a worm, a sly grin on her face. 

"No wonder you ditched us yesterday and didn't answer the group chat! You hoe...where da pics at?" Serina glared, "share your sin."

After much consideration, Christine finally relented, "This never leaves the room or I swear to god I will kill you guys myself and they will never find the body. No one should ever finds out, especially Dona," threatened Christine, opening her photo album.

And lo and behold there it was. Christine, wearing cat ears and a tail with a big smile on her face next to a giant fur suit. Another one showed the two of them kissing, well, more of Christine kissing the furry creature, looking every bit like the sinner that she was. 

"I can't believe this," wheezed Serina, as she grabbed a pillow and scream into it as she saw the last picture. Tears threatened to fall out of the corner of her eyes. On the other side of the couch Lorraine had fallen out of her seat, still wrapped in her burrito blanket, cackling. 

"What is this? Y’all with your fetishes and shit, I can’t believe…” Lorraine managed to say through fits of laughter.

"I'll see you both in hell," vowed Christine, pocketing her phone and ignoring the laughter that continued to rattle throughout the house. 

 

\----

 

Christmas was right around the corner and Christine was having a huge dilemma. She didn’t usually go Christmas shopping this late in the game as she was usually on top of things, but the past few days have been stressful with exams and projects all due on the same day. It was hard to find the time to drive to the mall and actually put a dent in her shopping list. She had no idea what to get for her amazing, one of a kind, greatest thing that ever happened in her life, best friends. She wanted to give good presents this year to show her appreciation for her great hoe ass friends. So today with less than a week left, it was crunch time. She was panicking and her stupid cat boyfriend insisted in coming along and being completely unhelpful. 

The mall was bustling with people with the same agenda as her that Christine was worried that all the good gift ideas would be already be gone. And to make matters worse, Kuroo kept pointing out random objects that she knew her friends either already had or would not like. Stupid boy. 

"Why don't you just get Serina a superhero shirt and move on?" Kuroo whined, "She’ll like it for sure."

"You know, you didn’t have to come. Plus, her gift has to be perfect. I can't just give her that! She has so many shirts already that it’ll just get lost in her closet. It has to come from the heart...or well lack of as Lorraine likes to call it," Christine said, moving through another set of racks looking for a possible cat shirt. 

"Aw, but babe I missed you. I never get to see you any more,” Kuroo sent her a wink. “…and I see that koreaboo still keeps roasting you, eh? That's funny, by the way what are you thinking of getting her? A body pillow of her favorite kpop star? She still likes that T.O.P guy, right?" Kuroo chuckled at the mere thought of it, "or what about a gift card to Starbucks? That wannabe white girl." 

"See I would love to get her the body pillow but I can’t, it’s too cruel. Beside I got her a gift card for her birthday so that’s a no." 

"Well, what'd she ask for anyway?" 

Christine rolled her eyes at the question and muttered lowly.

"What was that?"

"...I said she asked a boyfriend." 

Kuroo huffed, "Of course she did. Well maybe she wouldn't be single if she stopped hunting for Korean men exclusively. She's thirsty, man. No wonder she's alone." 

"I thought you two were good? Not that I mind you roasting her, but I do want you two to be friends," Christine said, and then walked away heading towards a cat themed shelf display. 

"We’re getting along fine! But that jail bait needs to chill out with her standards,” Kuroo said, but then added, “…and to stop calling me Furry-kun. It’s insults to my people and wolkins alike, who work so hard to preserve our culture. She has no right! I look so damn good with a tail..." He whines and trailing after her, then paused as he looked out the store's window, eyes narrowing in recognition then widening. 

"Hey babe. Babe. Look out the window real quick," Kuroo points frantically, as two very familiar figures passed the store. 

"Oh my god is that Serina– with Iwaizumi?" Christine yelped out, voice squeaking in the end.

"Bet. You think they’re on a date?" 

"I'm going to straight up murder that hoe, I can't believe she's on a date right now. She didn't even tell me, I thought she was at home with her cat and– oh my god he took her shopping bag and–“ a large hand clamped over Christine's mouth, cutting off whatever she was about to say next. 

"Will you shut up people are staring," Kuroo hissed in her ear, then smiled sheepishly at their audience.

 

\----

 

Serina took no notice of the commotion going on behind them. All she could focus was on the handsome, tall man beside her. Iwaizumi Hajime, Aoba Johsai's ace and resident hottie with a body. He smells good, she muses, like the perfect lumberjack boyfriend. She sighed in happiness, listening, as Iwaizumi talked about is day. It was his idea to walk around the mall, looking for gift ideas, as he still hadn't finished his Christmas shopping unlike Serina, who ordered everything online a good month in advance. He had caught up with her after medical and asked if she wanted to keep him company during his search. 

“ –and Shittykawa had the nerve to nag me about his present, that asshole," complained Iwaizumi, eyes darting at each store they passed, looking for possible gifts for his best friend.

Serina hummed in agreement zoning back into the conversation, "Maybe he wouldn't be so salty if someone had already bought him his present," she teased good naturally.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, "We can't all be a concrastinator like you Serina.”

She shrugged then made a motioned to reach for her shopping bags that Iwaizumi had taken from her earlier, "Hey you sure you fine with that bag? Because I can totally hold onto it," feeling slightly guilty for letting someone hold her things. 

Iwaizumi lightly bumped her shoulder and pulling the bags out of her reach, "What's the point in having all these muscles if I can't even hold your bags?" A wink. "Besides I'm trying to be the man of your dreams." A laugh. "Let me flirt with you Serina." 

Ah so cute! She blushed and then nearly stumbles when he suddenly grabbed her hand, interlacing them, and pulling her into the direction of a store that caught his interest.

 

\----

 

Christine was ecstatic. Her real life otp was right in front of her eyes. She couldn't believe it; it’s like Christmas came early. Her baby, finally growing up and dating hot boys. She wiped an imaginary tear from her eyes. Silently chanting shoujo shoujo shoujo in her head. 

"Come on kitten," Kuroo drawled, entwining their hands and tugging her to the opposite direction, "Let's leave them be.”

"But I can't daddy," Christine whines, "This momentous day needs to be documented for blackmail purposes.” She cackles evilly. 

“You know, I never understood why you guys blackmail each other,” Kuroo hummed, not paying much attention to their surroundings as they continued to walk towards the other end of the mall.

“No reason at all,” came Christine’s delayed response. 

Then she stopped, the sudden lack of movement caused Kuroo to stutter in his step but luckily he caught himself before he could bump into her. He swiveled around to check if she was okay, only to see her eyes widened and jaw dropping, a picture of disbelief and betrayal crossing her face. 

"My friends are hoes,” Christine whispers to herself. 

“Come again?” Kuroo squinted at her in confusion then turned to see at what she looking at and laughed. "Well, well, well, looks like koreaoboo got herself a man too." 

"I'm going to kill her, I can't believe this. And she's the one who always complains that I never give details about my love life! And here she is! With Oikawa freaking Tooru!" 

"You wanna go say hi?"

"No thank you, I'm going to interrogate her later," she said stomping away with Kuroo trailing a few steps behind. 

 

\----

 

They were at Kuroo's room this time, in the middle of doing homework for AP Chemistry. Sitting shoulder to shoulder on his bed, checking their answers. It might’ve been winter break, but that didn’t mean that their teachers were letting up on their homework. Both had planned on spending at least day getting everything out of the way before they can truly enjoy the holiday season.

“Hey did you ever hear about how Oxygen and Magnesium were going out?” Kuroo began suddenly.

Christine paused in the middle of a calculation to give him a blank stare. 

“…and I was like OMg,” he snickers to himself, and then frowns at the lack of response from his partner. “Oh, come on! That was funny! I’m hilarious.”

“I’m laughing on the inside I swear,” Christine says, definitely not laughing. Her eyes dead, just like her soul. 

He huffed, insulted, looking back at his calculator. 

To be completely honest, Christine wasn’t paying attention to a word he said. Her hands were on autopilot, diligently writing down equations that she had written a million times over. Her mind was else where in her shoujo mind palace that she had created because the real world was boring and trash. Who wouldn’t want to live in a shoujo fantasy? It was better to live in a world where she ruled the world with an iron fist with her trusty cat, Smudge, as her right hand man. 

But despite how annoying Kuroo can be sometimes, Christine knew that she had chosen a winner when she agreed to be his girlfriend. She did stalk him for the better part of senior year to get to know him better and ensure that he was the one for her, meeting all the requirements in her boyfriend wish list. 

Daddy can carry me in his delicious arms off into the sunset~, she sighed to herself, still lost in her fantasy. 

"What was that babe?" Kuroo blinked then shot her a sly grin, pushing his book aside and wrapped his noodle arms around Christine's waist and bringing his face to nuzzled into Christine's neck. 

Crap, did I say that out loud? Christine grimaced. 

"Nya...nothing! I said nothing!" Christine let out a nervous laugh, a little embarrassed. Dang it! Stop playing yourself girl! 

Kuroo laughed softly into her ear, causing goose bumps to spread all around Christine’s arms.

She blushed.

"Maybe some other time, any thing for my cute nyangel,” he whispers softly, his breath tickling her ear. 

She laced her fingers around the base of his neck, and buried her face into his ridiculous hair in in shame.

"Yes daddy-kun."

 

\----

 

“Christine! If you hadn’t made your bed throw it away, it’s too late to make it now!” came a shriek from the other side of her house.

Christine groaned under her blankets and rolled over to grab her phone that was charging on the end of her bed. Good ol’ Don, waking her up at an ungodly hour and already listing off chores. 

“We can’t let people know we live here! This place has to be spotless in a few hours,” her mother continued.

Oh yeah, today was the Christmas party that her mother insisted on having for close friends and family. She grumbled. She was not looking forward to being gawked at by her family for finally, after years of being single, bringing home a boy. The only thing getting her through today was a text that Serina sent her, confirming that her and Iwaizumi were going to make it. 

At least I won’t suffer alone, she thought to herself, as she went through the motions of getting dressed for the day.

 

\----

 

Christine checked the time again, it was almost six thirty p.m. and her friends were late. 

This is all Lorraine’s fault, she thought exasperatedly, since Serina and Lorraine had decided to drive in one car and while Serina was always the punctual one, Lorraine was the complete opposite. She was late to everything, which was why they’d usually tell here to come thirty minutes before the expected meet up time in order for her to show up within a reasonable enough time frame. Christine glanced and the living room and frown, her younger sister and Kuroo seemed to be getting along. Oh great. 

The doorbell rang just as Christine got a series of texts saying that her friends were outside. Rushing to door she was surprised at what greeted her. She knew that Iwaizumi was coming, but she wasn’t expecting to see Oikawa Tooru at her door, waving, with a big smile on his face. 

“Yahoo~ Merry Christmas Christine-chan! Thanks for having us.” Oikawa warmly greeted. 

Christine blinked, glanced at Lorraine, before ushering the group inside. As Lorraine whisked past her, Christine grabbed her sleeve, nudged her head towards Oikawa and raised an eyebrow. Questioning. 

“Oh, come on! He’s Iwaizumi’s best friend and he insisted on coming along,” Lorraine laughs softly, “There’s nothing going on between us, I swear!” Christine huffed, not convinced. 

“Beside, we should definitely keep an eye out for Serina and Iwaizumi, any day now he’s gonna ask her to be his girlfriend,” Lorraine smirked evilly, “Maybe Iwaizumi will plant a big one on Serina-senpai if we play our cards right tonight,” eyes flickering to the mistletoes scattered through out the house. Christine nodded in understanding, a plan already formulating in her head. 

“You got that right! I’m not gonna miss this opportunity to torture Serina!” Christine whispered back excitedly, already formulating a plan and subconsciously rubbing her hands together.

 

\----

 

But in the end, it wasn’t Serina who was kissed under the mistletoe or Lorraine who seemed to be attached to Oikawa by the hip. It was Christine. But only because of her mother’s insistence that they take a cute couple picture under the mistletoe after much scheming from both Serina and Lorraine. So there she was, under the mistletoe with Kuroo, with the scrutiny of everyone in the room. 

“Oh! That reminds me before I take to picture, you guys should first open this lovely present I bought for you two.” Dona warmly said, “I found it while I was walking around Target and thought it would look adorable on both of you! Plus it was on sale! Like baby Jesus himself, was shining down upon me, so I had to get it.” She laughs good naturally and hands them two identical boxes that came out of nowhere. 

Christine stares at her box warily, gingerly taking it and giving it a tentative shake. Afraid. On her right, Kuroo was already ripping open the wrapping, eagerly clawing at the box to get to the present. Christine shot a glance at friends, eyes screaming for help. But none came. Lorraine and Serina had identical smirks on their faces. This can’t be good. 

They will pay for this, Christine thought darkly already plotting her revenge. 

“Oh my god!” Lorraine yelped. Christine jumped slightly at the sudden sound and quickly turned back to her boyfriend holding up a black cat onesie with a big smile on his face. Christine paled. Oh no. 

“Open yours up Christine!” catcalled Serina, grinning from ear to ear. Oh she was so going to get it. She’s a dead man walking. Christine’s left eye involuntarily twitched as she opened her box and pulled out a white cat onesie. Her own mother bought them couple furry outfits. The betrayal. Her own fam. 

“Aren’t those the cutest things honey? I thought you two were a little old for those things, but I just couldn’t resist! It was so nice of Serina to send me a text a few days ago telling me that it was what you both wanted for Christmas,” Dona smiled, proud of her accomplishment, not understanding the meaning behind them.

“…Yeah, its great mom…love it…” came Christine’s weak reply already mentally stabbing Serina from where she stood. The culprit. She will die tonight. 

“Well what are you waiting for? Put it on already you two, so we can take a picture! We don’t have all night and I want dessert!” Christine’s little sister yelled out impatiently, crossing her arms in annoyance at how slow the two were being. 

Christine glared at her and brought her hand into slicing motion on her neck. Dona clucked at her, disappointed at their squabbling. 

“Come on babe, it’ll be fun!” Kuroo said already easing into his onesie, swishing his tail freely, “Thanks Dona!” Kuroo pulled her mother into a hug before returning to Christine’s side. Seeing no way around it, Christine unwilling put on the suit.

“Now smile for the camera and say nyaa~” Lorraine teased bringing her phone up to take a quick picture, laughing all the while. Serina gave her two thumbs up. Revenge, she mouths at Christine. 

You two are dead to me, internally fumed Christine, forcing out a smile as the flashes started. 

And that was how Christine and Kuroo ended up becoming victims to the mistletoe while dressed as furries. 

 

\----

 

But what happened to her friends? Did they end up having a happy ending too? 

 

\----

 

Well, it turns out when Iwaizumi dropped Serina off at her house; he presented her with Evenstar, a necklace from the LOTR movies. Serina gingerly takes it, touched that he remembered how much she liked it. Momentarily distracted, Iwaizumi used this opportunity to lean over, quickly pecking her cheek. Face red from embarrassment, Iwaizumi quickly bids her goodbye and dashes to his car, yelling out that he’d text her. Serina’s hand quickly went to her cheek, the spot where he had kissed her, a dreamy look in her eyes as she followed his figure to his car. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by jeers and catcalls coming from the back seat of Iwaizumi’s car where Lorraine and Oikawa had both poked their heads out the window, shouting inappropriate nonsense and making a scene. Embarrassed, Serina quickly waved them goodbye and rushed inside, shutting the door loudly behind her. 

 

\----

 

“So you’re gonna ask her out, right?” Lorraine asked, stretching out her short limbs in the back of Iwaizumi’s car. Oikawa had migrated to the front passenger seat, leaning his head against the car window. He hummed in agreement. 

“It only a matter of time, Iwa-chan~” Oikawa teased.

Iwaizumi groaned.

**Author's Note:**

> you're welcome <3


End file.
